The #1 Word That Can Destroy Your Happiness
When we were very young and beginning our journey to communicate with the outside world, our parents often had to remind us to use our words.
Words, after all, are tools that help us tell others what we're thinking and feeling. As little people, we were much better at just showing our emotions. It was much harder to learn how to use words to express ourselves.
But oh, how things changed once we found our words!
For many of us, we felt much less frustrated. Now we could express what was going on inside us, and if we were lucky, get more understanding and support from those around us.
For others, we found that talking could help distract us from our inner thoughts and feelings. We could immerse ourselves in conversations that focused more on thinking and less on feelings.
And the more we distracted ourselves from our feelings, the harder it became to stay with them and learn how to navigate them healthily.
If this sounds like you, then you are probably seeing that this ability or inability has caused many problems down the road. Learning to manage emotions is essential to becoming a whole, well-adjusted adult with high stress resilience.
Now, how you initially dealt with your words and feelings is only part of the picture. We can't forget our primary teachers—the parents—and the lessons they taught us.
If you grew up in a family where your parents also struggled to navigate their emotions healthfully and effectively, then chances are this has challenged you as well. After all, when they taught you to use your words and modeled which questions to answer or avoid, you were learning the “best” way to do it, at least as far as your family was concerned. Parents often parent in ways that are most convenient for them and based on how they were parented.
Even if you managed to hold onto your natural ability to navigate emotions, you might still face other issues to work through.
Many children who stay emotionally aware and expressive are often seen as “the problem child.” Family members can brand them as weird, suspicious, or even malfunctioning—and that’s often true, because their behavior and expressions frequently clash with the "be a child that's seen and not heard" persona that the adults are desperately trying to teach them.
Do you relate to this at all? Instead of being coached on how to express yourself successfully and appropriately, did your parents resort to arguing with your words? Did they want you to “use your words” so they could get more clarity on where you were?
Not to empathize and help more effectively, but rather to force you to communicate harder and suppress the raw emotion that made them uncomfortable.
Using words often made it easier for them to debate and to argue you into submission.
They wanted you to live the way they saw fit and to believe what they believed, so "the right way" could be passed down.
And so the cycle continues, unless we consciously decide to stop it.
Please understand, I am not blaming your parents—or you!—here. The focus isn't about blame, but about understanding what needs to be corrected and refined.
The truth is, we have all been children who have used our words to argue ourselves and others into submission at some point.
Many of us will have opportunities to be parents or influential figures in a child’s life. We all have daily conversations with ourselves and others. It’s up to each of us to make the changes we want to see in the world. Everyone contributes to how the world functions, and every one of us can make a difference.
Let's start that change right now!
Here are some questions to help you get started:
- Do you feel like you’ve become used to “Living from the neck up”?
- Do you distract yourself from your emotions?
- Are you impatient, bothered, or judgmental when others are emotional?
All these signs indicate your emotional navigation system could use an upgrade!
Here's a helpful tip to start unpacking your baggage and improving your emotional navigation:
There's a word we use daily that can actually make us miserable.
We often don’t realize that its presence in our speech is a sign of stress—sometimes almost shouting at us—about what’s really bothering us.
The word is:
SHOULD
- “Should” implies expectations, assumptions, loyalties, boundaries, and appropriateness—and probably many other things I'm not thinking of right now.
- “Should” is used in everyday speech and also permeates our internal thoughts.
- It was a dominant word as we learned the “rules” growing up. Pay close attention to how often you use it—and why.
Next time you catch yourself “'shoulding" on yourself or someone else, take a deep breath and ask if this “should” is truly necessary or if you can dismiss it. It’s a useful marker pointing to your beliefs—past and present.
Remember, not everything in the “should” pile is bad.
Re-evaluating your “shoulds” helps you understand what you believe and why. Strengthening important truths and convictions is vital for happiness and self-esteem. Traits like character and integrity are essential, even if they aren't always popular to discuss.
By fearlessly examining your “should” list, you’ll identify red flags indicating when to change course, what beliefs and habits need pruning, and what upgrades your emotional system requires.
This process is key to becoming your best, most effective self!
RELATED READING: What Keeps You Stuck? The Answer May Surprise You,
The 1 Myth You Must Abandon To Create Peace and Fulfillment In Your Life
Are you ready to enhance your internal dialogue and experience positive changes in your life?
If so, join me in my online coaching program Happiness Dynamics, where you'll learn to uncover the hidden priorities that undermine your motivation, productivity, and relationships.
