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Forgiving: Even When They Are Not Sorry?

anxiety apologies awareness boundaries depression forgiveness the arena toxic relationships your playmates

You find yourself in a situation where someone has hurt, betrayed, or offended you.

In a perfect world:

They give a sincere apology,
Ask what they can do to make things right,
Work to earn your forgiveness and rebuild trust through any necessary means.
Both parties resolve the situation, and you live happily ever after.

All is right again.

But this is not a perfect world.

As Hawkeye said in the show M.A.S.H., “We're looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world.”

Rarely are these words more accurate than when dealing with apologies, regret, and forgiveness. People make mistakes. And while we may feel sorry for our faults and actions, we often have to work hard to prevent making the same mistake again. We must strive for change, which is not easy and usually takes time, accompanied by more mistakes.

Continuously forgiving in these situations, especially when the offense is repeated, can be quite challenging. Yet, if we see genuine efforts to change, it becomes easier to be understanding and forgiving. After all, we are not perfect ourselves, so it will eventually be our turn to seek forgiveness for our own mistakes and missteps towards others. When both parties do their best, more growth, love, and trust can develop as they work together to support each other despite their weaknesses.

That sounds pretty lovely, doesn't it? After all, we all want to feel loved and accepted, even when we fall short.

The real problem arises when we interact with someone who knows that we, as a society, value forgiveness, mercy, patience, and understanding.

And they use those values against us.

We might encounter these unsettling moments in the most unexpected places:

A brief misunderstood interaction with someone new to us
A friendship facing a tough challenge
A long-standing family or life partner dynamic
Whenever we're asked to accept an apology or forgive, but we realize they aren't truly sorry.

Just sorry that they got caught.

NOW, WHAT?

It's crucial during times like these to remember that forgiveness serves us primarily. It helps us resolve issues by learning from them and letting them go.

When we hold onto hurt, betrayal, or offense, that negative emotion ends up hurting us, not them.

Throughout my life, I’ve had the experience of staying close to people who, honestly, never apologize. Some of these people are no longer in my life, while others still are.

With each of them, it hasn't mattered if I cry, scream, plead, reason logically, or withdraw. An apology for the mistreatment was not forthcoming. Sometimes there were vague sounds that resembled an apology, but it was more about the effect than genuine regret or a sincere desire to make things right.

It took years to come to terms with just how insincere and manipulative these people close to me truly were. No matter how badly I was treated, I kept offering understanding, forgiveness, patience, and trust.

Eventually, painfully, I faced the undeniable truth: They weren't sorry.

In some cases, their pride would not let them admit to mistakes or faults. In others, their addictions kept them stuck in playing the victim role.

The most common tactics used to avoid or affect an apology:

Playing the martyr/victim, "I'm sorry that I'm not good enough for you" apology non-apology.
Using the "guilt trip instead of apology" sidestep.
Employing "what you should be thankful for instead of being upset" sidestep.
Using the "now that you're bringing this up, let me take this opportunity to tell you what you've done wrong" sidestep.

Then there are those people who genuinely enjoy inflicting and watching emotional pain. Their tactics are similar to the ones listed above, but amplified. The level of craziness they can create is off the charts. Their goal is to keep you questioning your sanity, so naturally, they are not sorry.

Yep, all kinds of people walk this earth, and I needed to come to terms with my “Polly Anna” outlook. The pain of realizing that these people I loved so much were not sorry was intense at first, but a remarkable thing happened pretty shortly thereafter.

The surprising benefits of accepting their lack of remorse.

As I came out of denial, my brain relaxed. I felt the stress release from my body, and I began to see my life so much more clearly.

Cognitive dissonance occurs when our beliefs and reality are at odds with each other. It's a puzzle screaming to be solved, but we're hiding crucial pieces from ourselves. When we embrace our courage and face things we think might kill us if we see them for what they are, our world shifts, and we have a new opportunity to be free.

I came to terms with my reality.

I had some really toxic relationships.
I stopped worrying, overextending, overdoing, and being codependent.
I accepted the limitations of those I love.
I accepted the lack of sorrow, apology, and desire to make amends.
I accepted that even though I wanted the relationship "door" to be open and swinging in both directions, it was, in fact, closed.

I accepted that I had allowed myself to be abused for a very long time. I examined what I needed. After much discussion with myself, I forgave myself for allowing it. Without any further discussion with the other parties, I forgave them.

And withdrew my trust.

Now, some of you reading this may be thinking, "Well, of course, you withdraw trust. Everyone knows that."

I didn't.

For those of us raised by a toxic personality, we learned early that we were expected to extend trust no matter what. That's why I'm writing this post for those of us who need to know there's a better way, so we can all start modeling and creating healthier relationships.

Only in healthy relationships is trust part of forgiveness.

If you are going to continue to move forward in a relationship, then giving trust again will be crucial to full-fledged forgiveness. If, however, the relationship isn't healthy, or you have to sever all ties, forgiveness is still your best option. Just don't extend trust. Contrary to many opinions, we are not entitled to trust.

Trust is definitely something we all earn.

Remember, forgiveness is not only for the offender. It is every bit for the offended. Forgiveness isn't about saying that what they did was okay or that you were wrong to want an apology. Withholding forgiveness doesn't hurt the one not sorry. That's just your bruised ego talking.

I know it isn't easy. In fact, it might be one of the hardest things you achieve in your life.

So, if you find yourself stuck in demanding to see justice win out, then you being shackled by another person's bad behavior certainly isn't just.

Forgiveness is a step you take for yourself towards balancing the scales.

Engage in a collaborative conversation with yourself on this, then let go, forgive, and experience the peace and joy of moving forward without that toxin dragging you down.

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If so, join me in my online coaching program Happiness Dynamics, where you'll learn to decipher the hidden priorities that sabotage your motivation, productivity, and relationships.