Surprising Mistakes You Make and What to Do Instead

 

 

Gratitude gets a lot of attention these days, and rightfully so.

 

Gratitude often serves as the gateway to a more positive emotional and mental shift, especially when we desperately want to feel different than the way we do.

 

Research on gratitude is expanding rapidly.  Psychologists and neuroscientists find that practicing gratitude and having an "Attitude of Gratitude" offers a wide range of benefits, from improved physical health to greater wisdom, patience, and humility.

 

They have discovered that using gratitude helps us build better relationships, boost self-esteem, increase generosity, foster a more positive outlook on life, and even heal more quickly and thoroughly from trauma.

 

It is truly remarkable what researchers are uncovering about gratitude.  I look forward to reflecting more on what I am learning.  What an incredible list of benefits an attitude of gratitude can bring us!

 

I am a massive advocate for gratitude.

 

Except for when I'm not.

 

Yeah, I know that's a bit confusing, so let me explain.

 

Let's think about Band-Aids for a moment.

 

Band-aids protect and help us when we've gotten a cut that breaks the skin, so the wound can heal without dirt and germs getting in.  They also provide a cushion against further injury if we bump the wound against something.  All good points there.  So, I'm a big fan of bandages when I have a cut.

 

However, I usually don't just slap one on without cleaning the wound first.

 

If I skip the cleaning step, no bandage will magically protect my injury and prevent infection.  Yes, putting on a band-aid is definitely more fun than the cleaning, especially when we were kids and it had a cool design, but it doesn't change the fact that thoroughly cleaning the cut is an essential step.

 

Band-aids are good.  Clean wounds are better.

 

That brings me back to gratitude.  Gratitude is essential for experiencing true happiness and fulfillment.  Like band-aids, gratitude is a really good thing.  But here's where it gets tricky.  I've noticed that we humans can gently and subtly shame each other and ourselves by misusing really good things.

 

However, we can feel confused and stuck when we try to use said “good thing,” and it ends up falling flat, or we just can't seem to really dig in and enjoy it the way we've been told we're supposed to.

 

Let me ask you:

• Do you keep a Gratitude Journal?
• Do you enjoy doing it?
• Does it make a big difference in your life to record your blessings?
• Do you write gratitude letters and send them to others?
• Do you openly recommend these gratitude exercises to anyone who's struggling?

 

If you answered "yes" to all of these questions, then hang in there with me.  Remember, I strongly believe in being grateful and aware of all the blessings I have.

 

However, I'm going to call a foul on the gratitude play.

 

Because gratitude is not always the best and only answer when you find yourself out of sorts or downright stuck in your life.

 

Maybe you're someone who answered "No" to the questions listed above.  That's a distinct possibility, which is why I'm writing this post.  Many people struggle with the whole "gratitude thing."  And to go so far as trying to write down blessings when you can hardly see them is, well, laughable.

 

Then, to add insult to injury, whenever you don't feel grateful, it's as if you can hear the Masses say.  "What!  You aren't feeling grateful?  EVERYONE knows that you should practice gratitude.  It's the antidote to all life's woes!"

 

Cue more guilt and shame.

 

Just what you needed, more guilt and shame, right?  Let's nip this in the bud and figure out what's stopping you from being grateful, or at least from feeling grateful.  For those of you who are already reaping the benefits of employing gratitude effectively, this will perhaps shed some light on why others are struggling.

 

There's a crucial point we often miss when it comes to helping ourselves and others understand gratitude and harness its potent healing and perspective-shifting abilities.

 

It's all about TIMING.

 

When you find yourself stuck in a stressful situation, your varied emotions demand your attention.  They carry messages that they are desperately trying to communicate.

 

These emotions are genuinely trying to help.

 

The problem is that you haven't been adequately trained in how to listen to yourself and recognize all that you're feeling and reacting to.

 

Instead, you've been taught to "take your mind off it," "find a distraction," or "buckle down," among other coping mechanisms.  Given these kinds of instructions, it's no surprise you struggle to have a collaborative conversation with yourself and get to the root of what's wrong in your life.

 

I'm sure you've heard at least once that talking to yourself is a sign of being crazy; however, nothing could be further from the truth!

 

You need to learn to befriend yourself by being introspective.  Actively and deliberately listening to what you're thinking, feeling, and believing is a key to your happiness and success in virtually every aspect of your life.

 

Without developing this self-reflection ability, you won't have the information necessary to address life's situations and find the solutions you think are the best fit at the time.

 

Instead, you will spend a lot of time repeating behaviors and patterns, feeling stuck, frustrated, and stressed until you finally give yourself the attention you deserve and listen to what you're trying to say to yourself.

 

When you automatically move to gratitude, instead of listening to your thoughts, feelings, and coping mechanisms, it's like you're telling everything going on inside of you that it is not okay, it's bad, and now you're going to shut it up, shame it, and guilt it away using a Big Stick - Gratitude.

 

I hope you're relating to what I'm mapping out here.

 

Gratitude is good, but it becomes problematic when used to invalidate a person's current situation or as a distraction from addressing the issue.

 

Here's another aspect of what I'm talking about.  This not only applies to us jumping to gratitude before listening to ourselves; it is also highly applicable when we are talking with others.

 

Have you ever found yourself venting to a friend, co-worker, relative, or even a stranger on the bus, and their reply to your angst was to suggest that you be more grateful?

 

How did you feel in that moment:  Seen?  Accepted?  Supported?  Loved?

Or did you feel more:  Shut Down?  Burdensome?  Embarrassed?  Broken?

 

I've lost count of the stories I've heard involving this dynamic and the confused, hurt feelings that resulted in the exchange.  The relationship has sustained a hit, and sometimes it's subtle, but not always.  This communication leap is one of the ways that relationships decline, and we aren't necessarily aware of it because it's so VERY common in our society today.

 

Common might be normal, but that doesn't mean it's healthy.

 

We all need to be more careful not to use gratitude as a Big Stick to move someone out of where they are.  Often, when we're in tough places emotionally and mentally, the last thing we need is to hear (and feel) is an extra helping of:

 

“You aren't doing this right.  You are not really in that difficult a place.  Your only problem is really that you aren't feeling enough gratitude.”

 

I realize that we've learned as a society to do this "jump to gratitude" maneuver.  For many, our parents and teachers at school certainly used it against us whenever we had a complaint or issue that they wanted to go away quickly.  Infuse a little guilt by implying we weren't grateful, and now the waters are sufficiently muddied.

 

What a sinister move to gain the moral high ground and add to the high emotional load we were already carrying.  Many of us learned very well at a young age how to get shut down, shamed, and dismissed.

 

We took the cue from our authority figure and did what they said: we turned a deaf ear to our feelings, dismissed them, were shamed, and shut ourselves down.

 

And if this is what we thought we needed to do, then it must be what others need to do, too.  We learned to use these same techniques on our siblings, our friends, our spouses, and eventually, probably our own children.  That's more than likely why our parents did it to us.  They learned it from their parents.

 

It's a cycle that's been going on for a long time.

 

No wonder so many of us have a knee-jerk reaction to being called out for not being grateful enough.  The guilt trip began a long time ago!!

 

I hope that we can all be kinder to ourselves and each other.  Listen to where we are.

 

Really listen.

 

Once you feel you have given yourself the chance to really understand what's going on inside you, then move to gratitude to help balance the scale.

 

In one study, researchers found that employing gratitude was actually not helping in addiction recovery. 

 

Researchers realized that employing gratitude had the power to blur the issues that the person with an addiction needed to address first in order to heal.

 

Again, there's that TIMING.

 

As you acknowledge the turmoil inside and learn to communicate with it honestly, you'll feel more at peace because you will be acknowledging the whole picture.

 

Not just the pretty part.

 

It's one of the best ways to learn to love and accept yourself, your life, and the others with whom you come in contact.

 

In fact, the more you practice listening to yourself and finding the correct timing to employ gratitude, the more mature and sensitive you'll become, and the more you'll be able to effectively listen to others and help them move through, honoring their best timing, as well.

 

After all, we all want to feel heard, accepted, and supported when we say:

 

This is me.  I am hurt today.  I need to clean my wound first before applying gratitude.

 

RELATED READING:  The Roots of Stress: Dig In So You Can Stop Stressing Out

 

Are you ready to enhance your internal dialogue and experience positive changes in your life?

 

If so, join me in my online coaching program Happiness Dynamics, where you'll learn to uncover the hidden priorities that undermine your motivation, productivity, and relationships.